In the vein of Fight Club, what would the rules of Typewriter Club be? What are the commonly known rules that typewriter users and collectors know that the uninitiated should be aware of?
I’ll kick things off with a frequent admonishment:
The first rule of Typewriter Club: Don’t “lubricate” the segment with WD-40.
The second rule of Typewriter Club: DO NOT lubricate the segment with WD-40!
Feel free to follow this post and upvote your favorites so we can rank a potential final list.
Hat tip to u/Jbhusker who recently suggested (requires log in):
Keychoppers shall have the extremities they used to chop keys chopped off.
-key choppers aren’t welcome, especially if they get rid of the corpse
-never leave a typewriter outside to rust
If you’re new to typewriter club, you HAVE to type.
Typewriters are to type with.
Do not ask the value of your typewriter, it should be invaluable to you.
Touch typing should be seen as an achievable goal
Parts of a typewriter should only be removed in order to repair another typewriter.
More than one machine is allowed to be your “favourite”.
Only pussies and rookies type with the ribbon cover on.
Typewriters must be used. Daily. At least 2000 keystrokes per day. Penalties will be imposed for laxity or sloth.
(We’re gonna need some sort of fitbit-like device to record daily use and plot charts and graphs and whatnot . . . maybe call it a fingbit or something.)
“rule 1 never finish your novel
rule 2 tell everyone about your novel”
You always talk about typewriter club. Every chance you get. To strangers, family, friends…
You don’t lubricate the segment with anything. But first right of passage into the matrix of typosphere is hose yourself down with WD and do the chant, “WD solidifies into a solid and nearly impervious mass. If I don’t ‘acid bath’ myself immediately I will turn to stone.”
From an old Underwood manual:
Demolition to Prevent Enemy Use:
“Smash typewriters and components with a sledge or other heavy instrument; burn with kerosene, gasoline, fuel oil, flame thrower, or incendiary bomb; detonate with firearms, grenades, TNT, or other explosives.”
Remember typewriters are dangerous.
First of all MAJOR kudos and many thanks for this idea/post… pure genius, simply BRILLIANT!!!
Honestly, this subject is most definitely worthy of it’s own Reddit group IMHPO
As to my two cents and new proposals/submissions for the “rules”:
-“A typewriter’s price is whatever someone is willing to pay for it”… solely and completely market driven.
“A typewriter’s value/valuation is completely subjective and dependent on your own personal priorities, preferences and circumstances (scarcity, geographical location, intended use, budget, aesthetics, functionality, typing style, etc.)”.
“ALWAYS leave a typewriter in at least the same if not better condition that you found it in/acquired it”… except if it is for using it as a parts machine in order to follow this rule regarding another typewriter.
“There is to be absolutely NO shame when asking ANY question in order to further your understanding and/or your knowledge regarding typewriters”.
“If anyone asks about your typewriter(s), you must spend at least 5 minutes talking to them about it/them”.
“Any storage is acceptable storage for your typewriter(s), as long as it/they are in no peril of being damaged (specially becoming rusty)”.
“If you are going to travel with and/or specially ship a typewriter, you MUST take the appropriate precautions and preparations for it to be done safely and without it suffering ANY damage”.
Thou shall not ever put a typewriter in the dumpster, and one is required to save any machine destined for garbage and place them in the hands of a typewriter lover.
Typewriter people shall always appear on time for Craigslist and Facebook marketplace purchases.
Typewriter club people do not lie on postings selling typewriters.
Thou shall remain forever helpful and not gate keep repair information from another typewriter lover.
A typewriter is not broken unless it is clean and broken.
Thou must not allow putting a typewriter into the trash.
If you’re attempting to sell a typewriter for more than $50, it should have a useable ribbon.
“Working but needs new ribbon” is seller’s code for “I have no idea if it really works, but I’m going to try to sell you this machine for the price of a fully functioning machine that was just serviced by a professional shop despite the fact that I just took it out of grandpa’s barn and I’m not sure if the mouse inside is dead or not. Also, I can’t afford $10 to replace an old ribbon to truly participate in the charade of the price I’m going to try to fleece you with.”
Don’t talk about typewriter club
“In death, they have a name.” Lenore Fenton. Lenore Fenton. Lenore Fenton!
We form things; we do not “bend” them.
Tell everyone about Typewrite club
Always refer to your only typewriter as “My FIRST typewriter.”
To quote someone from this sub:
“It’s not broken unless it’s clean and broken.”